The smile is infectious, and makes its way onto Colin's face.
"I recognize your dibs," he says casually. "Your dibs will legally apply once we reach the river. Although--"
He stops, has to think for a minute about what to do about the walk back while wearing wet clothes, and he thinks about bringing dry to change into, then about simply undressing before getting in, and then he blushes deeply.
"You might...wait until I've undressed first. So we don't, um. Make people wonder what we were doing."
"Blushing before we've even had the chance to do something?" he teases, sitting back on his heels. A beat later he shrugs, glancing away.
"But maybe that's fair. For once there's someone I'd prefer not be speculating about me and someone else." Normally he doesn't care what people say about his flirting, that he does too much of it, or with too many people, or whatnot, but he'd like it if Farogil didn't start doubting that Detlef's actually interested.
"Your dinner companion is pretty cute," he offers with another shrug.
It's a relief to know he can still be surprised by someone else's feelings.
"You and Faro?" There's a swell of gladness for Detlef, but also a note of sexual disappointment and a sudden worry that they're both going to completely ditch him, move to another town, and forget about him like it sometimes feels Camilla has. He can nurse that later. "Congra--I mean, does he...? Feel the same?"
"He might?" It seems like more than might, but Detlef's nervous to be confident about anything personal. Now more than ever. His secret is out, but held, and he feels both grounded and restless. He wants to stay here for good and he wants to run again, but his choices are planting his roots more deeply. Now he has a friend in the Vice, now he knows a guard Captain who is trustworthy, now he's developing feelings for someone that are more than casual.
"I think he does," he tries again. "It's hard to, to be sure of anything when you're like... us." Profane. "But he seems kind, and sweet, and hopeful."
"I don't... I don't know." His lips purse and he sighs. "I just... I want... something. Something more. And if he finds out, and decides to turn me in, and I have to run, again..." Another sigh. "I don't want to run again. But I don't want to live in some sort of holding pattern forever, watching and doing nothing because of fear."
"I understand. I promise, I do." Colin runs fingers through his hair and gives a sigh. "And you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a real life. But if you're discovered, it would put him in danger."
Something Colin learned over half a lifetime ago.
"You'd have to have a plan. And you might have to think about not being like us."
There's something a little sullen in the way Detlef leans against the nearest piece of furniture.
"No. No, I'm not going to let innocent animals die because some assholes have their heads stuffed up their ass so far that what's natural seems criminal and what's compassionate seems wrong. I won't stop. I'm going to help. And if, if, if he can't take who I am, then he can't take who I am. And no, I don't know what that means, or what picture that takes. And I don't know how to tell him, or keep from endangering him, but maybe I can figure this out. Somehow."
It's as determined as he ever gets. So many people get to have uncomplicated lives and he doesn't exactly want that, but he wants something that looks a little more peaceful than what he's previously had.
Colin got as much of a complicated life as he could ever have wanted, including the last twenty-four hours. He'd rather have no more of it.
"We'll vet him," he suggests gently. "Or, maybe I can do that. See if he might be a little receptive and understanding? Then you could make a plan together, hopefully. If it turns into something serious."
He hesitates. Is that fair to Farogil? Someone testing him? ...if it helps keep Faro safer, then yes. Because the Shepherds wouldn't necessarily stop with Detlef if they find out that he uses the Vice.
Colin gets a nod. "Carefully? Gently. He's a good person, I'm certain of it, and I want you to lose his friendship as much as I want to lose his interest. It's good to have connections."
Colin shakes his head gently. "It's not like I'm able to stop doing it anyway. Feeling peoples' feelings. I'm always in their head and they're always in mine. But if I pay attention when certain things get mentioned in conversation, it could be telling. And it could save his life. This is the same town that killed my family."
"Right," he says slowly. Colin isn't talking about pressing Farogil, or doing some sort of a grilling, but getting a sense of how he's feeling. It still feels a little dishonest, a little sneaky, but it's safer for everyone involved.
Especially considering this is the town that killed Colin's family. He may have some friendly acquaintances here, even some friends, but he's Profane. He has to remember that to some, he wouldn't be a person.
"Thank you." His voice is quiet. There are a lot of risks he's taken lately, and maybe some of them haven't been smart ones. At least Colin's got his back here.
"We're doing this to help people," Colin reminds him quietly. "Last night and all of today, all I could think about was how this could hurt people. But it helped him last night. He felt so sad, and talking about it helped."
A deep breath. "But we need to experiment with how to block people from reading us. You especially. I don't like feeling like I'm...invading."
He nods. Helping is the important factor in everything they do with the Vice - it's how they know they haven't gone too far.
"So first let's figure out what makes it stronger, and from there we can figure out what makes it weaker. Or not functioning at all. We can see if we need to, I don't know. Wear special hats, or always carry cats." At least he can manage to find a little levity in this.
"I hope it's cats," Colin says lightly, offering a little smile. "Give me a second to get an extra shirt and we'll head to the river."
Once they're by the water's side, Colin already feels better, somehow. More energized, happier, relaxed. He's always loved the water; he never thought about why.
"All right," he says unsteadily as he removes his shoes and begins to undress. "While we do this, keep turned away from me so I can't see your face. Once I'm in, I want you to think about any number of things, including things that you don't feel very strongly about. But don't tell me what they are. I'll tell you what you're feeling then."
He doesn't mean to be nervous, but Colin's words bring back a spike of fear. He trusts Colin, and Colin can only read feelings, not thoughts, but Detlef's locked down his past so hard that even thinking about it or thinking about things that matter scares him.
"Right," he says quietly. Detlef perches on a rock and focuses on how it feels when he's tending animals, the all-encompassing calm that settles on him. He knows what he's doing then, knows he's in control, knows he can fix nearly anything and the quiet, familiar confidence soothes over everything else. Though thinking of feeling soothed brings thoughts that are not soothing: memories of Shepherds doing their accusations and burnings, the physical heat and disappointment and shame of Ben shoving him away when he's tried for so long to be friendly, the guilt and fear that rose up when Lance asked him what he was up to.
Colin feels that spike of fear. Now that he's down to wearing only a shirt that stops halfway down his thighs, he tries not to overreact to Detlef's emotions and instead steps into the water. It's cold and marvelous in the heat, and gets quite deep a short way in. He lets himself sink in, escaping gravity, floating in peace.
Being by the river and being in the river is the difference between hearing a thing and cupping your ear to hear it. He listens to Detlef's emotions like a song or a story. Relaxed and thoughtful, he speaks slowly.
"It's...familiar. Something you love, something you're good at. Your refuge. From...something. Danger. Someone who hurts and takes away. Fear and resentment. Somehow, it's closely linked with the love. It shouldn't be. Rejection and despair, wanting to be close to someone. Like you did something wrong, but all you did was reach out. Now, you...feel like you were being stupid about something. Reckless. This is definitely a lot stronger than it usually is, Detlef."
"And entirely accurate." So that's definitely a thing the Vice can do. He needs to get a handle on his emotions, but it's likely too late. Colin likely already knows that Detlef's constantly feeling A Lot about A Lot Of Things if he's reading all of that.
"So now we know what boosts it." He breathes, thinking for a moment. "Have you ever felt... distant from people? Far away? Even when they're nearby?"
Colin climbs out of the water, wading ashore with a sopping wet white shirt clinging to him. It's not comfortable, but with the steepness of the bank, he has enough privacy to strip off the shirt and start putting dry clothes on.
"All the time," he says with a note of resentment. "But things that hamper the magic? When the moon set, it seemed dimmer, though I might have just been tired. It would seem like fire would be the opposite of water, but the presence of fire or the sun doesn't do it."
Detlef gets up to come over after Colin's dressed a little and rest his hand on Colin's shoulder gently. "I'm your friend, and I'm glad to be your friend."
He lets the moment linger, wanting to get the point across. Yes, finding safety against this ability is important, but this is too. Then, finally, he drops his hand. "Earth, Air, Fire, Water. If Water strengthens it and Fire doesn't have an influence, we'll have to think about Earth and Air. Armor, maybe? Though I've no access to anything along those lines. We could walk past the guard tower and you could give reading them a try?"
Colin's head bows when Detlef touches him. All of this, allowing Colin to experiment on him, and Detlef is still glad to be his friend? Colin could cry. He nearly does.
"Distance makes a difference," he says somewhat thickly. "Otherwise I'd feel everyone, everywhere. But that's probably so of any of this. It still could be air. Or maybe there could be a sort of stone or crystal. Do we know of any folklore or superstition about this? Maybe..."
He finishes putting on his shoes. A second later, he frowns.
"I've always felt good around water, in water. What dampens this might be something I don't feel good around. And crowds always complicate everything. I hate crowds at least in part because I'm getting emotions from everyone. So running into a crowd makes it a lot harder to know where the feeling is coming from."
He's quiet, staying near Colin. There's a hoarseness to his voice that Detlef doesn't need the Vice to interpret. What he does need is an idea of how to deal with it. Detlef has made a life of not really facing all of what he feels, so the thought of facing what someone else is feeling is pretty daunting. Move forward. That's what he has to do, they have to do. He takes a breath.
"All right. Crowds are something, but if we get isolated, we need something else... Horseshoes." He says it as he thinks it. "I have some at the stable. Let's go there, I'll put a few in my pockets, and we can see if metal hinders you at all. Or at least that sort of metal?"
"Iron? We could give it a try." Colin thinks he remembers some talk about cold iron against something, at least. "At least it couldn't hurt. And I should look round for different sorts of stones. Though..."
His brows knit. "You're still afraid," he says quietly. "I promise, I'd never hurt you. Most of why I want to experiment is so people like you can have protection against me."
"It's not you I'm afraid of." His voice is equally quiet as he starts to lead the way to the stables. Thankfully it's true. It's more that he's afraid of having to deal with everything he avoids dealing with, as well as afraid of unknown people who can do what Colin can do.
"Knowing people can read me is disconcerting. I don't... I like being a little private, even if it doesn't seem it."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"Dibs on shoving you in."
no subject
"I recognize your dibs," he says casually. "Your dibs will legally apply once we reach the river. Although--"
He stops, has to think for a minute about what to do about the walk back while wearing wet clothes, and he thinks about bringing dry to change into, then about simply undressing before getting in, and then he blushes deeply.
"You might...wait until I've undressed first. So we don't, um. Make people wonder what we were doing."
no subject
"But maybe that's fair. For once there's someone I'd prefer not be speculating about me and someone else." Normally he doesn't care what people say about his flirting, that he does too much of it, or with too many people, or whatnot, but he'd like it if Farogil didn't start doubting that Detlef's actually interested.
"Your dinner companion is pretty cute," he offers with another shrug.
no subject
"You and Faro?" There's a swell of gladness for Detlef, but also a note of sexual disappointment and a sudden worry that they're both going to completely ditch him, move to another town, and forget about him like it sometimes feels Camilla has. He can nurse that later. "Congra--I mean, does he...? Feel the same?"
no subject
"I think he does," he tries again. "It's hard to, to be sure of anything when you're like... us." Profane. "But he seems kind, and sweet, and hopeful."
no subject
There's a pretty significant concern about this. Regarding Detlef, not Faro. Colin folds his arms tightly, almost a self-hug.
"But we are like us, and he is not. What...what do you think you'll do? Obviously you can't tell him. But if you're discovered?"
no subject
"I don't... I don't know." His lips purse and he sighs. "I just... I want... something. Something more. And if he finds out, and decides to turn me in, and I have to run, again..." Another sigh. "I don't want to run again. But I don't want to live in some sort of holding pattern forever, watching and doing nothing because of fear."
no subject
Something Colin learned over half a lifetime ago.
"You'd have to have a plan. And you might have to think about not being like us."
no subject
"No. No, I'm not going to let innocent animals die because some assholes have their heads stuffed up their ass so far that what's natural seems criminal and what's compassionate seems wrong. I won't stop. I'm going to help. And if, if, if he can't take who I am, then he can't take who I am. And no, I don't know what that means, or what picture that takes. And I don't know how to tell him, or keep from endangering him, but maybe I can figure this out. Somehow."
It's as determined as he ever gets. So many people get to have uncomplicated lives and he doesn't exactly want that, but he wants something that looks a little more peaceful than what he's previously had.
no subject
"We'll vet him," he suggests gently. "Or, maybe I can do that. See if he might be a little receptive and understanding? Then you could make a plan together, hopefully. If it turns into something serious."
no subject
Colin gets a nod. "Carefully? Gently. He's a good person, I'm certain of it, and I want you to lose his friendship as much as I want to lose his interest. It's good to have connections."
no subject
And other towns wouldn't be any different.
no subject
Especially considering this is the town that killed Colin's family. He may have some friendly acquaintances here, even some friends, but he's Profane. He has to remember that to some, he wouldn't be a person.
"Thank you." His voice is quiet. There are a lot of risks he's taken lately, and maybe some of them haven't been smart ones. At least Colin's got his back here.
no subject
A deep breath. "But we need to experiment with how to block people from reading us. You especially. I don't like feeling like I'm...invading."
no subject
"So first let's figure out what makes it stronger, and from there we can figure out what makes it weaker. Or not functioning at all. We can see if we need to, I don't know. Wear special hats, or always carry cats." At least he can manage to find a little levity in this.
no subject
Once they're by the water's side, Colin already feels better, somehow. More energized, happier, relaxed. He's always loved the water; he never thought about why.
"All right," he says unsteadily as he removes his shoes and begins to undress. "While we do this, keep turned away from me so I can't see your face. Once I'm in, I want you to think about any number of things, including things that you don't feel very strongly about. But don't tell me what they are. I'll tell you what you're feeling then."
no subject
"Right," he says quietly. Detlef perches on a rock and focuses on how it feels when he's tending animals, the all-encompassing calm that settles on him. He knows what he's doing then, knows he's in control, knows he can fix nearly anything and the quiet, familiar confidence soothes over everything else. Though thinking of feeling soothed brings thoughts that are not soothing: memories of Shepherds doing their accusations and burnings, the physical heat and disappointment and shame of Ben shoving him away when he's tried for so long to be friendly, the guilt and fear that rose up when Lance asked him what he was up to.
no subject
Being by the river and being in the river is the difference between hearing a thing and cupping your ear to hear it. He listens to Detlef's emotions like a song or a story. Relaxed and thoughtful, he speaks slowly.
"It's...familiar. Something you love, something you're good at. Your refuge. From...something. Danger. Someone who hurts and takes away. Fear and resentment. Somehow, it's closely linked with the love. It shouldn't be. Rejection and despair, wanting to be close to someone. Like you did something wrong, but all you did was reach out. Now, you...feel like you were being stupid about something. Reckless. This is definitely a lot stronger than it usually is, Detlef."
no subject
"And entirely accurate." So that's definitely a thing the Vice can do. He needs to get a handle on his emotions, but it's likely too late. Colin likely already knows that Detlef's constantly feeling A Lot about A Lot Of Things if he's reading all of that.
"So now we know what boosts it." He breathes, thinking for a moment. "Have you ever felt... distant from people? Far away? Even when they're nearby?"
no subject
"All the time," he says with a note of resentment. "But things that hamper the magic? When the moon set, it seemed dimmer, though I might have just been tired. It would seem like fire would be the opposite of water, but the presence of fire or the sun doesn't do it."
no subject
He lets the moment linger, wanting to get the point across. Yes, finding safety against this ability is important, but this is too. Then, finally, he drops his hand. "Earth, Air, Fire, Water. If Water strengthens it and Fire doesn't have an influence, we'll have to think about Earth and Air. Armor, maybe? Though I've no access to anything along those lines. We could walk past the guard tower and you could give reading them a try?"
no subject
"Distance makes a difference," he says somewhat thickly. "Otherwise I'd feel everyone, everywhere. But that's probably so of any of this. It still could be air. Or maybe there could be a sort of stone or crystal. Do we know of any folklore or superstition about this? Maybe..."
He finishes putting on his shoes. A second later, he frowns.
"I've always felt good around water, in water. What dampens this might be something I don't feel good around. And crowds always complicate everything. I hate crowds at least in part because I'm getting emotions from everyone. So running into a crowd makes it a lot harder to know where the feeling is coming from."
no subject
"All right. Crowds are something, but if we get isolated, we need something else... Horseshoes." He says it as he thinks it. "I have some at the stable. Let's go there, I'll put a few in my pockets, and we can see if metal hinders you at all. Or at least that sort of metal?"
no subject
His brows knit. "You're still afraid," he says quietly. "I promise, I'd never hurt you. Most of why I want to experiment is so people like you can have protection against me."
no subject
"Knowing people can read me is disconcerting. I don't... I like being a little private, even if it doesn't seem it."
(no subject)